Q: There are countless numbers between 0 and 1, countless shades of gray between black and white. With cross combinations, there are endless possibilities. You can’t say you’ve tried everything just because you’ve tried two opposite approaches. \n\nA: Well said.

A: To people who say “you don’t understand depression”, what a pity!

A: In fact, when people make the judgement “you don’t understand how I feel”, it often has nothing to do with the facts.

It’s just a preemptive way of “invalidating” reactions they don’t like.

It’s similar to when someone loses a loved one, and sees that others don’t show the “sympathy” and “comfort” they expected, so they declare “you don’t understand my pain”.

But when saying this, is there any real investigation or verification? Any examination or reflection on the evidence? No.

This is just the logical extension of “anything not to my liking must mean they don’t understand my pain” - a kind of “self-fulfilling” logic. What is the result?

It gives oneself unlimited permission to filter out any information they don’t want to hear. As long as they define anything they disagree with or dislike as “surely not understanding the situation”, they can ignore it.

Then what if the thing that could save your life is bitter?

Think carefully - if the thing that could save your life is precisely what you dislike, what will you do? Seeing your own preferences as supremely important, to the extent that “life has no meaning” if they are not met, is in fact one of the sources of depression.

Transcending and negating this fundamental logic, building happiness outside of the inherently depressive logic of “obtaining what I like”, is itself the crux of overcoming depression.

Depressed people always feel they should listen to something sweet, and even feel they’ve suffered enough that they deserve to hear something sweet, that the world owes them a bit of sweetness.

The more they think this way, the more they try every means to eliminate any information source that dares not conform to this conception. In the short term this may provide a few hours or an afternoon of “sense of control”. But in the long run, it only digs them deeper into the hole beneath their feet.

Depression must be resolved by doing difficult things that you originally disagreed with but are right.

It cannot be resolved through cleverly only doing what you like. It can only be resolved by you learning to like something you originally disliked but should like, agreeing with something you previously disagreed with but should agree with.

Frankly, [depression itself is the final notice to people repeatedly avoiding these questions]. You have to find and think through these things for a chance to get out.

And logically this means you must be in a state of “unconditionally believing others’ opinions are not unreasonable, and are worth considering further” for a long period. It is a state of feeling “everyone is better than me, because everyone understands better than me”. Some may say, “but I’ve always felt everyone is better than me!”.

The question is, is it because you feel everyone is more right than you, or because you feel everyone is luckier than you?

Is it the former, or the latter?

And to conclusively state after just glancing briefly that the other must not understand depression - this essentially blocks their account in your mind - this is absolutely not a sign someone is in the first state.

Q: The reality is that different depressed patients have different situations. Everyone makes interpretations from their own perspective, and they all make sense. However, many patients believe that they alone truly understand depression and have the qualifications to interpret it. If others’ understanding is different, then it must be wrong. This is because they are not aware of these individual differences.

A: This is precisely one of the causes of depression!

Although this statement is somewhat cruel. But some pain is necessary for the individual, such as prolonged depression.

Even sound advice and persuasion do not always work.

When they do work, it may already be when the person is less depressed themselves.

And it’s too early to say it’s unfortunate, it can only be said some friends still need to stay in their dark corners for a while, to feel this “no one hears my cries” helplessness.

It’s not so terrible. It’s painful growth.

We need to acknowledge and accept the extremely suffocating loneliness felt by depressed people, because it is a fact. Acknowledging and accepting facts often does no harm.

Tell them "Yes, I probably still can’t fully empathize, probably because I’ve already gotten better, my body has nearly forgotten that extremely depressed me, can’t feel the mood I had then, the tone I had then, my brain only has memories and thoughts left…

so I tell you how I got up, but in my tone now. It’s very likely useless anyway."

“Unfortunately there’s no way for me to tell you everything in the tone from back then, because at that time, other than silence I still had silence, other than refusal I still had refusal, I didn’t really have any tone, because I said nothing, I lived in the battlefield within myself, exhausted by my own actions, often lying down.”

Since I can’t empathize now, then don’t force empathy.

Only by acknowledging that it is almost impossible for people to understand each other, can true understanding occur. That is silent, needs no language, and is indescribable.

This must not come from the depressed person first.

If you want to be good (kind), please note I did not use the word help.

“Yes, I may not fully sense how hopeless you feel, but you must have your reasons.”

Make sure every time they come close,

you are tranquil and gentle,

you live your own happy life, unhurried,

you don’t want them to change,

you don’t focus on them,

you do your thing,

you give them as much attention as they give you,

remember this doesn’t mean you don’t care about them.

What you can do is give them a clean soft blanket to rest on.

It’s probably like:

“I fried an egg today, haha so tasty.”

“It’s so cold, I put on fleece pants…so warm haha.”

“Oh? Unhappy again?” “Ahhh…almost all my cherries died…”

You talk about your little happiness, they talk about their great troubles, then sometimes each speaks on their own, don’t go too fast, speak slowly, leave space between you, leave white space.

The intersection blends but doesn’t make big waves, no need to force understanding, no need to struggle to pull them along, no need to always think of making them feel better, no deliberate empathy, no deliberate must understand, no deliberate making someone see individual differences.

All vocabulary, suggestions, depression or not, empty your mind, throw them all away first.

Learn to face loneliness itself, and all sorts of emotions in life, with a tranquil and trusting attitude.

You truly don’t understand depressed patients, and they truly can’t understand you.

Your helplessness towards each other, and this loneliness, is not only for him to face, but also for you to face.

So you’re a bit stronger, you can greet each day more calmly, mutually unable to understand, yet very lonely, then you can enjoy yourself, if you lead by example, depressed people can learn too.

Then that’s it, don’t worry about anything else. Maybe useless or even harmful.

Stop your thinking…